Deeply Queer

  As members of the LGBTQ+ community, we have the opportunity to cultivate relationships free from imposed religious, cultural, and social conditioning. Yet many of us continue to subscribe to colonized approaches to intimacy out of fear of judgment or a desire for acceptance. The garden of relationships is vast and diverse, offering many ways to love, connect, and build community. Whatever style of relationship you choose to cultivate is entirely up to you but let that choice be guided by what genuinely nourishes your life rather than by a desire for approval from the dominant culture. A typical gay man living in urban neighborhoods such as West Hollywood or Greenwich Village may have a network that includes platonic friends, friends with benefits, a life partner (who may or may not also be a sexual partner), work colleagues (ideally non-sexual, as workplace relationships can become complicated), and, in many cases, a broader community through 12-step programs, LGBTQ+-affirm...

  At our core, we are made of energy. In fact, everything in the universe can be understood as energy in motion. Science shows us that all matter is composed of tiny atoms that are constantly moving and vibrating, forming patterns of energy. The speed of these vibrations—often described as frequency—relates to energy levels: faster movement corresponds to higher energy, while slower movement corresponds to lower energy. As a metaphor, we can connect these ideas to our emotional lives. Higher “vibrational frequencies” can represent feelings like joy, love, and gratitude, while lower ones may reflect fear, anxiety, anger, or fatigue. While this isn’t a literal scientific mapping, it can be a useful way to think about how our internal states shape our experiences. So, what does this have to do with being gay? Human beings are deeply responsive to one another. The way we feel about ourselves often influences how we show up in the world. As a queer person—however you define your bea...

For queer people, sexual desire often longs for wings—seeking to rise beyond the gravity of shame and heteronormative oppression. The queer body remembers; stories of homophobic wounding,   traces of which can be read in the patterns of the nervous system. When homoerotic desire has been bound too tightly to shame, the body may come to experience pleasure not as invitation but as danger. Desire hesitates at the edge of threat, and when pleasure is blocked, a restless urgency begins to stir—an ache for release, for a way through. From this tension, desperate pathways may emerge, including chemsex, as an attempt to slip past the sentinels of shame and reclaim a fleeting sense of freedom. Paradoxically, chemsex can offer a fleeting escape from shame, yet its relief is often ephemeral. In the wake of use, crashes, risky encounters, or choices that betray one’s own values can stir a tide of guilt and regret. These echoes of shame do not fade quietly—they linger, feeding vulnerability,...

A Gay Somatic Therapist’s Take on Netflix’s Boots By Payam Ghassemlou Ph.D. Coming to terms with one’s gay identity has never been easy. For many of us—whether we served in the Marine Corps or performed on a chorus line—the process demanded our energy and courage, especially in the years before the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” (DADT) policy, when being openly LGBTQ+ came with even greater risks. Netflix’s original series Boots attempts to portray the challenges faced by many gay service members before the implementation of the DADT policy. Unfortunately, many of these struggles still persist for LGBTQ+ individuals serving in the military today. In fact, we are living through a regressive period in which hard-won rights are once again being questioned and challenged. Homophobia is a major reason why coming out can be particularly difficult for gay members of the military. It can prevent queer individuals from living authentic lives and, when internalized, can foster a deep sense o...

  Taking pride in our journeys of growing up and discovering our queer essence involves honoring the full diversity of our community. As a member of the LGBTQIA+ family, I cherish this diversity and hold space for those who may not claim the word queer as their own. As a cisgender gay man, I have spent more than three decades gathering the stories of other cisgender gay and queer men—stories woven with sorrow, defiance, tenderness, and fierce love. Through them, I’ve learned that we are a people of resilience, fearless hearts, and boundless compassion. It’s from this well of shared experience that I write. And still, no matter how you name your beautiful essence, may these words remind you to honor the quiet, unyielding courage it took to carry your spirit through the fires of becoming. In previous articles, I’ve written in depth about the trauma of growing up in a homophobic and transphobic world—a world that often failed to honor our true essence—and the profound impact that h...

  For almost three decades, I have immersed myself in the life stories of many people of the LGBTQ community who had painful homophobic and transphobic upbringings. Many of the gay men’s personal narratives that I have heard are not very different from my own. Regardless of national origin, we are part of a tribe with similar stories of growing up in a homophobic and heterosexist world where our gayness was repeatedly assaulted. We are everywhere, and unfortunately so is homophobia. Many gay men have shared with me that as long they could recall they always felt different. They were unable to articulate why they felt that way, and, at the same time, they did not feel safe to talk about it. Some knew this feeling of being different was related to something forbidden. “It felt like keeping an ugly secret that I could not even understand,” described one person. Other gay men have disclosed to me that this feeling revealed itself in the form of gender nonconformity, which could not b...