Deeply Queer

No matter where you stand on the political spectrum, it is hard to escape the weight of a world that often feels unsettled. As a gay immigrant in these unprecedented times, my nervous system is frequently on high alert. I carry a constant awareness of the threats facing people like me, and that awareness inevitably shapes how I move through the world. Because of this, I seek resources that offer me a sense of agency and help regulate my nervous system. Fashion and style have become both a personal resource and a form of armor — my runway to nervous system regulation. When I put thought into what I wear, I am not simply getting dressed; I am preparing myself to meet the world. Each outfit is an intentional act of protection and self-definition, allowing me to move through uncertainty while affirming my strength. Clothing becomes more than self-expression — it becomes a practice of resilience, presence, and self-preservation. Whether my clothing changes how others perceive me is impossib...

Everyone's story matters, and sometimes our personal mythology needs help emerging from the basement of repression or forgetfulness. Those of us in the helping professions often assume that every word of a client's painful story is like a step on a long staircase that must be climbed for healing to occur. Words can illuminate, organize, and bear witness to experience, but they are not the only path to transformation. There is also a sensory field beyond words—a place where memory, emotion, imagery, movement, and felt experience come together. Within that field, another kind of knowing becomes possible, and our stories can be rediscovered, reshaped, and gently integrated. When I began my mental health counseling internship in 1990 at what was then known as The Gay and Lesbian Center in Hollywood, I had the honor of working with people whose life stories were shaped by homophobic and transphobic mistreatment, often beginning in childhood. As a young intern, I believed that in...

  As members of the LGBTQ+ community, we have the opportunity to cultivate relationships free from imposed religious, cultural, and social conditioning. Yet many of us continue to subscribe to colonized approaches to intimacy out of fear of judgment or a desire for acceptance. The garden of relationships is vast and diverse, offering many ways to love, connect, and build community. Whatever style of relationship you choose to cultivate is entirely up to you but let that choice be guided by what genuinely nourishes your life rather than by a desire for approval from the dominant culture. A typical gay man living in urban neighborhoods such as West Hollywood or Greenwich Village may have a network that includes platonic friends, friends with benefits, a life partner (who may or may not also be a sexual partner), work colleagues (ideally non-sexual, as workplace relationships can become complicated), and, in many cases, a broader community through 12-step programs, LGBTQ+-affirm...

  At our core, we are made of energy. In fact, everything in the universe can be understood as energy in motion. Science shows us that all matter is composed of tiny atoms that are constantly moving and vibrating, forming patterns of energy. The speed of these vibrations—often described as frequency—relates to energy levels: faster movement corresponds to higher energy, while slower movement corresponds to lower energy. As a metaphor, we can connect these ideas to our emotional lives. Higher “vibrational frequencies” can represent feelings like joy, love, and gratitude, while lower ones may reflect fear, anxiety, anger, or fatigue. While this isn’t a literal scientific mapping, it can be a useful way to think about how our internal states shape our experiences. So, what does this have to do with being gay? Human beings are deeply responsive to one another. The way we feel about ourselves often influences how we show up in the world. As a queer person—however you define your bea...

For queer people, sexual desire often longs for wings—seeking to rise beyond the gravity of shame and heteronormative oppression. The queer body remembers; stories of homophobic wounding,   traces of which can be read in the patterns of the nervous system. When homoerotic desire has been bound too tightly to shame, the body may come to experience pleasure not as invitation but as danger. Desire hesitates at the edge of threat, and when pleasure is blocked, a restless urgency begins to stir—an ache for release, for a way through. From this tension, desperate pathways may emerge, including chemsex, as an attempt to slip past the sentinels of shame and reclaim a fleeting sense of freedom. Paradoxically, chemsex can offer a fleeting escape from shame, yet its relief is often ephemeral. In the wake of use, crashes, risky encounters, or choices that betray one’s own values can stir a tide of guilt and regret. These echoes of shame do not fade quietly—they linger, feeding vulnerability,...

A Gay Somatic Therapist’s Take on Netflix’s Boots By Payam Ghassemlou Ph.D. Coming to terms with one’s gay identity has never been easy. For many of us—whether we served in the Marine Corps or performed on a chorus line—the process demanded our energy and courage, especially in the years before the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” (DADT) policy, when being openly LGBTQ+ came with even greater risks. Netflix’s original series Boots attempts to portray the challenges faced by many gay service members before the implementation of the DADT policy. Unfortunately, many of these struggles still persist for LGBTQ+ individuals serving in the military today. In fact, we are living through a regressive period in which hard-won rights are once again being questioned and challenged. Homophobia is a major reason why coming out can be particularly difficult for gay members of the military. It can prevent queer individuals from living authentic lives and, when internalized, can foster a deep sense o...